Thai Hard: With A Vengeance

Last December (yes, there is a slight delay between what happens in my life and the point at which it eventually bursts headfirst out of the womb and onto the internet, where it is promptly spanked and swaddled), I was fortunate enough to be asked by one of our teams at work to go to Thailand with them to lead a training / team-building session over a few days. Naturally, I leaped at the opportunity like a starving lion at a sickly gazelle. I had been through the airport in Bangkok before, but had never actually left (which was not a bad thing - it resulted in many hours of inexpensive massages as I was waiting for my flight).

The offsite was to be held in Phuket, specifically Patong Beach, a somewhat resort-y area along the coast. No matter, it was all part of the adventure. I met a few of my Sydney coworkers at the airport at just a little after 4 AM. As a side note, there are times when it is wise to disregard the 'arrive at the airport a few hours early for international flights' rule. One such of these times is when your departure airport doesn't open until 5:30 AM. If you think it's painful passing time inside of an airport, doing the same staring wistfully through the closed glass doors from the outside is an entirely new level of patience-testing annoyance altogether.

After checking in and boarding, we set off on our 12-hour flight, which connected in Perth. For once, it was good to have the company while travelling - these guys were an eclectic mix of funny, cynical, level-headed, and more funny. When we reached Phuket, we found the van that had been arranged to pick us up and take us to the resort.

Arrival! Thank goodness for English translations

- my Thai is a little rusty.

I am enamored with the idea of mini-restaurants

attached to a motor bike. It's almost like the

flying boat restaurant in The Fifth Element.

Almost.

A temple of something along the side of the road.

We blazed by it so fast that I didn't have time to

read the sign, much less translate it.

There were quite a few of these small kite stands

along the side of the road. Anytime it's windy /

I see a kite, it makes me realize I need a kite.

Kites purchased to-date: Zero.

Waiting at the intersection, there was a large

LED numeric display which was counting down.

I don't really know what its purpose was, as the

traffic seemed to go arbitrarily as the numbers

ticked down.

Some fascinating reading material in our van.

Note the kid in the lower-right who appears

to be barely pushing 4 years old.

This road looks like it was in the midst of a

major earthquake. It wasn't. I don't think...

Descending into Patong Beach. Note the 'eh, just
string another wire up there' phone lines.

The Phuket Carnival sounded kind of interes-

OMG THEY HAVE LITTLE GERHARD

AND ROCK-BORIS PLAYING?!

Buy me dinner first. (insert phone number)

Finally arriving at the Novotel in Patong Beach!

It was in a great location right across the street

from the beach.

The view from reception - I don't recall how

many pools there were. Something between

2 and 3,144.

Sunset on the first evening. I would have taken

the picture from my room, but there about 154

hastily-strung phone lines blocking the view.

Instead, I ran downstairs (which ended up being

something like 3,000 steps, as we were at the

top of a hill), across the street, and onto the

beach to get this.

A pretty lily pond in the hotel. The hotel was

quite nice - the rooms had A/C, which made it

exceptionally difficult to leave them.

The view away from the city. Actually just a

composite image I made of Positano and Isla

Nublar from Jurassic Park.

As the sun went down, the city lights lit up.

You know what really makes me sad? The fact

that Thailand actually celebrates Christmas

more than Australia does. I am so disappointed

in you, Australia.

So, remember that sign for the Phuket Carnival that I mentioned earlier? Well as it turns out, it's actually kind of a big deal.

The streets were packed with cars, people,

food stalls, more people...I could have gotten

an entire suit tailored for about $100.

I wouldn't quite call this the same level of

culture shock as in Hyderabad, but it was close.

One guy on the street tried to put on an Aussie

accent to ask if I wanted a suit. He then addressed

my friend Bryan as 'dawg.'

Shortly after this, a massive flock of bald eagles

lowered Bruce Springsteen from the sky onto a

giant papier-mâché apple pie as he played the

star-spangled banner on his guitar.

Awesome - some entertainment as we ate dinner

outside. I've always thought fire-spinning would

be an interesting hobby. But not enough to

actually do it.

A massive bottle of the local brew. And eyes

going all Marty Feldman.

Dinner was tasty - adding to the ambiance was a

local who was singing a number of American Top

40 hits from the 80s and 90s. It's like they knew

I was coming or something.

Meanwhile, back at the hotel...

I felt a bit guilty taking a picture of this, but its

just not something I've had to worry about

before. Plus, the sign is a bit misleading, as it

appears to be instructing you to run toward

the wave.

I had a few hours to kill while the team was doing their own business thing, so I got a massage (the first of 3) and headed over to check out the beach while I was waiting.

The beach was beautiful - and the sand was white

enough to make for perfect camouflage. It was

the wonky kind of beach where they make you

pay for a chair, though. Why would I bring money

to the beach?

Looking the other way - the water was lovely,

unlike Dubai where it was only 1 or 2 degrees

less warm (not cooler) than the surrounding air.

That evening, we were all going out for a special dinner. Details were scarce, but there was something mentioned about elephants. When we arrived, I wasn't quite sure what to think. When we left many, many hours later, I still wasn't sure what to think.

The best way I can think of to describe FantaSea

(which actually has nothing sea-related in it)

is how Disneyland would look if it were designed

by someone with an intense, seething hatred of

epileptic people. Oh, and that person is also Thai.

One must never gaze into the eyes of Mara,

or else one is sent on a 3 minute and 25 second

journey through a temple where they are saved

by a hatted man with a whip (and are then

given the option of waiting in line for another

90 minutes to do it again).

A map of the park. It did not help. At all.

The entry gate to the park. Loosely-translated,

I believe the signage says 'abandon all hope,

ye who enter here.'

We still haven't gone in yet - this is all still outside

of the park.

If you look really closely, you can see my eye

twitching.

Finally entering the park and- OH JESUS WHAT

THE HELL IS THAT? Thai clowns are infinitely

more menacing than U.S. clowns.

I think I had a dream like this once.

In all honestly, it was like walking through

a cartoon land. And not the friendly, feasible

cartoon land like at Disneyland. A stretching-

the-limits-of-your-imagination cartoon land.

Yes, kids, it's Yak Attack! Now you, too,

can be assaulted by a geometric gremlin

with a glazed twist donut...

...and add that little extra bit of holiday cheer

to your wardrobe...

...and...ok, I give up.

Yep - definitely had a dream like this before.

Probably after an evening of eating strong

cheeses and playing Monopoly.

Classy. So perhaps this is where the adults hang

out?

I got to touch an elephant!

*crosses 'touch an elephant' off to-do list*

There was a bridge over a body of water into the

main dining area, and the water was filled with

more of these fish than I could count. Each was a

solid 5 feet long. I actually don't know what these

are, but presumably they are some sort of man-

eating fish. That's what you put in a moat, right?

Dinner was amazing and consisted of a massive

buffet full of foods that I couldn't even begin to

tell you what was in them. Curries, gelatinous

dessert things, rice...so good.

The artwork in the restroom even had a certain

charm to it.

With dinner finished, we left and wandered over

to the main temple.

Sadly, this is where the photographic journey ends, as they didn't allow pictures to be taken inside. The line snaked through a plethora of tunnels akin to those found on the Indiana Jones ride, and was dotted with diversions, such as 'Have your picture taken with a baby tiger for $20!' and the like. Surprisingly, I declined - a struggling tiger cub was just not at the top of the list of 'Things I Would Like to Hold This Evening.' Anyway, on to the show. I had no idea what to expect, but it ended up being some sort of Cirque du Soleil-esqe show with a bunch of elephants. Quite entertaining, actually - though I made the mistake of going into it with a belly full of delicious food, which was all well and good until they got to the relaxing flute mus-Zzzzzzzzzzz...

Fortunately, I was not the only one to admit nodding off once or twice or a dozen times. It was all very serene and relaxing, and the parts I did see I rather enjoyed. Then it was home for one more evening before the long journey back to Sydney.

All in all, I really enjoyed Thailand, and would not hesitate to go back. The food was delicious, the signage entertaining, and the massages plentiful (I got a 30-minute foot massage in the airport before we left).

Dubai, or, How I Learned the True Meaning of the Word 'Sweaty'

Because I have forever and always wanted to see it, I picked a flight back to Sydney that went through Dubai. Sure, it's 3 and a half hours in the wrong direction (or right direction, if you keep going a bit further), but it was cheaper than some of the slightly more direct flights back to Australia. Plus, I got to see Dubai.

I only had 24 hours there, essentially arriving at noon one day, and departing at noon the following day. Flying in, I saw vast expanses of desert, until the seas of sand gave way to...more sand. After a considerable amount of sand, we suddenly flew over some semblance of civilization, and then just as suddenly landed in the middle of it. Except that we were also surrounded by palm trees.

Dubai really is a desert oasis. It's essentially a city of people who decided that a ridiculously hot strip of desert along the water would make a nice place to live, and the consequences be damned. Gotta give them some credit for that.

I had booked myself in a pretty nice place, since I didn't really know when I'd be back again (but looking back, I think it will be sooner rather than later). I was met at the airport by the hotel representative, and shown to my private 7-series BMW which would take me back to the hotel. The driver had been sitting in it with the A/C on for a little while, so it was at the perfect arctic temperature. Which is great when it's 104 degrees outside. Why I had bothered bringing jackets to three of the hottest countries ever is beyond me. Anyway...

On the drive to the hotel, the driver was very helpful in pointing out interesting landmarks along the way. Most of Dubai is still being built, and they have a considerable % of the world's cranes in use at the moment. That being said, there was some truly spectacular architecture there.

This is the Burj Dubai, the tallest building in

the world.

It stands at 2,684 feet tall - that's over

half a mile.

There are really no words for this thing -

it's like a massive metal spike tearing into

the sky.

There were a few other fantastic structures as well, including a still-under-construction monorail, the stations of which looked like sleek geometric eggs, as well as many buildings that looks like nothing else anywhere in the world.

I came to the conclusion that Dubai is home to many rather competitive people - and this isn't a bad thing at all. It's just a bunch of people who want to have the fastest car, the tallest building, the biggest yacht, or something that no one else has in the world. I was reading an article that describes Dubai as being made up of the 'have nots' and the 'have yachts.' Having seen a small glimpse of it myself, I can say that this is not far off.

The Mina A' Salam (Harbor of Peace), where I

would be staying for the next 24 hours.

The view from my room - yes, that is the

Burj Al Arab right next door.

My resort was essentially one of 3 that was

connected by a series of waterways and canals

accessible by gondola.

One view of my room - this was without a doubt

the nicest place I'd ever stayed. I mean, just

look at all the pillows.

Obligatory bathroom shot. The complimentary

shampoo / conditioner / etc had little Persian

tower domes for lids, like the buildings in Aladdin.

Looking out toward the balcony from the foyer.

The rest of the city from the hotel. If you look

closely at the skyline toward the right side of

the picture, you can see the building that houses

the indoor ski slope. Didn't make it there this

time, sadly - next time, though.

The entrance hall of the hotel, complete

with pool full of rose petals. They did not

look too kindly on my swimming in it.

I had every intention of heading out into the city and exploring, but when your sunglasses and camera do this when you head outside...

All you want to do is this...

Comfy.

Yes, within about ten seconds of walking outside, I was sweating through my shirt thanks to the wonderful humidity there. I quickly changed my plans and decided to head out to the beach instead. Skipping like a child toward the welcoming water, I was a bit surprised to discover - after splashing in up to my chest - that the water was about 90 degrees. There is just no escaping the heat. Except back in the hotel room. And I wasn't ready to go back in yet.

I hung out on the beach for a couple of hours, floating in the warm water in the shadow of the imposing Burj Al Arab. Seeing pictures of it really doesn't do it justice - I was simply in awe. It was just such a surreal experience. After a bit of a snooze on the beach, I wandered groggily back up to my room.

This was actually a really nice beach -

deserted, clean, fine sand, warm water.

With some time to kill in the afternoon, I wanted to go see the Burj Al Arab. Fun fact: if you are not staying at the Burj Al Arab (which starts at around $1400 / night), there are only certain hours you are allowed to visit. Fortunately, since it is in the same group of hotels where I was staying, they have complimentary buggies that take you over there. The only catch? You have to dress in smart casual attire. Crap.

Dressed up to the nines, I hopped in a buggy and cruised over.

The only way to access the hotel is via an over-

water bridge leading out to the island. It's

essentially a hotel with a moat. Awesome.

There are just no words for the amount of money that must be in this place. Here are a few highlights from my visit.

Each of the escalators are flanked by massive

fish tanks.

The lobby area houses a sizable water show

fountain.

Looking up the middle of the hotel from the

lobby. There were so many colors and

patterns, yet they all seemed to blend

together without being too loud.

The materials used are some of the most exquisite

ever - gold, marble, mosaic tiles. They spared

no expense.

Another colorful fountain located in the

upper lobby.

An incredible tile mosaic on the floor of the lobby.

Mr. Helmut Swarovski had this 1:750 scale

model of the Burj Al Arab crafter out of

crystal, just for the hotel.

Descending the escalator down into the lower lobby.

Someone had a really sweet white Rolls Royce

parked out front the hotel.

Someone also had a white guy parked out

front of the hotel.

Another shot of the waterways surrounding

my resort.

The sun setting out over the Arabian Gulf.

I had made 9:oo pm reservations for dinner that evening, because I wanted to fit in a massage beforehand. The spa was absolutely spectacular - sauna, steam room, plung pools, waterfall showers, lounge - and I had the entire thing to myself. The massage itself was amazing, and was definitely overdue from a busy couple of weeks.

When I got back to my room, this was waiting for me:

OH MY GOD, WHAT ARE YOU?

Seriously, what are you? You're starting to

creep me out.

After showering up for dinner, I made my way over to MJ's, which was a steakhouse located in the resort.

It was a nice place - kinda 1930s Chicago themed

inside.

To repeat, please: There ees too much peppar on

my paprikash.

Dinner consisted of warm, crusty bread, a cream

of mushroom and truffled soup, onion rings, truffle

mashed potatoes, and a wagyu sirloin, folowed by

a delicious creme brulee for dessert.

This was just a really spectacular chandelier I

saw as I was walking back toward my room.

The Burj Al Arab is lit up at night, switching

every so often between the colors of the

various Emirates.

My flight left the following day - 13 and a half hours back to Sydney on a new A380, complete with atmospheric lighting to simulate a sunrise and sunset. I had hoped to sleep at least a little bit on the flight, but thanks to a crying baby and a kid who didn't understand the meaning of an 'inside voice,' I just ended up watching a lot of movies and a half dozen episodes of Friends. We did fly directly over Maldives, though - really made me want to plan a trip there.

After eating and sweating my way through two weeks in Asia, the cold winter air of Sydney bit at my face as I left the airport. It was good to be home.