Brisbane, or, So This Is Where You're Keeping All the Animals

It's a well-documented fact that I love animals. Not in the go-after-whaling-ships-and-not-shower-for-weeks-at-a-time way. And not in the lonely-country-boy-who-has-run-out-of-options-and-is-open-to-experimentation way either. Pretty much everything else is fair game though. They're just so darn awesome and cuddly. So when a very good friend of mine from Dublin decided to come visit Brisbane, I jumped at the opportunity to go hang out with her and another good friend who had recently moved back up to Brisbane as well.

If you're confused as to what this has to do with animals, hang on, I'm getting there. Brisbane is home to the Australia Zoo, also known as the home of the Crocodile Hunter (RIP, Steve). I fully expected it to be just another zoo, but a quick perusing of their website led me to what was probably the most groundbreaking discovery of my life: you can pay for a plethora of animal encounters, ranging from the common to the exotic.

My eyes wide with wonder, like a child who was just told to go wild in a candy store, I lined up encounter after encounter. Read on to see exactly what I got to cuddle.

Anyway - I flew up to Brisbane on a Friday afternoon.

I got to enjoy a gorgeous sunset from my room

before heading out to meet the others for dinner.

Arriving at the hotel, I relaxed for a couple of hours prior to dinner, which had also been decided on by the group earlier that week. And by the group, I mean, of course, my stomach. Nicole, a Brisbane native, had recommended a steakhouse by the name of Bravo Bar-B-Que. I'm always up for steak, but then she mentioned the 1.4 kg steak challenge.

Challenge accepted.

I walked up the street a little bit to where the restaurant was, and wandered around the other nearby establishments to kill the few minutes until the others got there. My will was severely tested when one of said establishments was a hot dog cafe. Prying my gaze away from the welcoming and jovial cartoon hot dog mascot who gestured tauntingly from his place on the outside window of the cafe - I swear he even winked at me - I made a loop around the plaza before returning to Bravo. Not paying particular attention to anything, I walked a meandering path through the restaurant when my Irish friend Laura pounced on me out of nowhere, followed closely by her boyfriend Pat (he didn't pounce, however - we settled on a firm handshake instead). We grabbed some drinks at the bar and caught up until Nicole arrived with her roommate James and his friend Charlie. The six of us then made our way to the table and sat down for what would be an amazing meal.

I mentioned earlier the steak challenge - while it didn't actually say 'challenge' anywhere on the menu, it was obviously implied. The beast I was about to devour went by the name of 'The Tomahawk.' Nicole and I ordered this to share, as it also came with 4 sides. Between the two of us, we cleaned house.

Before - a big, meaty, saucy, delicious mess.

After - still a big, saucy, delicious mess, but

without the meat.

And just to give you an idea of scale...

Nicole brandishes the Bone of Truth. Yes,

we named it.

After dinner, we made our way over to the bar again and had a few more drinks, before heading down the street to a club, where we proceeded to partake in some drinks which I shall call regret and remorse. Several hours later, I, bade the others farewell, saw Nicole to a cab home and headed back to my hotel to collapse on my bed.

The following morning, I wanted nothing more than to just stay in bed and not move, made infinitely easier by the top 50 greatest classic rock videos of the 80s on TV. Once I'd partaken in a sufficient amount of sloth, I went to meet Nicole for breakfast at what was voted the best breakfast cafe in Australia, the Gunshop Cafe.

Walking through downtown - the juxtaposition

of old and new.

A couple of years ago, I had come across a

$5 steak, which I had suspected to be the deal

of the century. Now, thanks to Brisbane, I know

that you can always do better.

On our walk to the South Bank, we came across

a pair of adorable labs. I should also probably

mention that Nicole is just about as big an animal

fiend as I am, and couldn't resist the opportunity

to creep on someone else's dogs either.

An ibis with a stick. Nicole found this hilarious,

and was inconsolable with a fit of giggles for some

time after seeing this. Yeah, she's special.

We eventually made it to the south bank across the river and found the cafe - it was a happening little spot, but thankfully we didn't have to wait too long before we were seated. We did, however, have to wait an absurdly long time for an orange juice and tea. But we finally settled on a sweet potato fritter (Nicole) and bacon with a side of bacon (me).

Nicole's sweet potato fritter with sausages.

My bacon with a side of bacon. I guess there

were some eggs in there too...

After a nice leisurely breakfast, Nicole hopped on a bus to head to an appointment, and I followed a serpentine path back toward the city / my hotel.

The bridge back to the city - the weather

was amazing the entire weekend.

Seems like every city now is getting its own

wheel.

You know what we need? More columns.

Definitely more columns.

Walking along the main drag, there were a handful

of street performers doing their thing.

After standing around for what was an

an unnecessarily long introduction, we were

treated to a liberal butchering of Bill Haley's

'Rock Around the Clock.' A perma-cringe was

plastered across my face until I had moved out

of earshot.

Fortunately, I found salvation in the form of

this pair, who were actually incredible. I stayed

around for a good 15 minutes listening to them.

Nothing beats a bit of live music.

I think this is what happens if you listen to

that first guy for too long.

Heh. The only thing missing from this picture

is a sign saying 'Please use rear entrance.'

I finally made it back to my hotel, where, at the time, nothing sounded better to me than a nap. So that's just what I did. I was meeting Laura and Pat in a couple of hours to see a bit more of the city. With the soothing sound of the final top 10 classic rock songs of the 80s calling me to sleep, I woke a few hours later and met the two of them out in front of my hotel, and we started walking back toward where I had been earlier today to catch a ferry up the river.

Finally arriving at the water. Perfect day

for a ferry ride.

Laura and Pat - Laura swears that the two of them

never take a good picture. Well, not if you're going

to keep making faces like that...

Sailing under Story Bridge, which, oddly enough,

was designed by the same guy behing the Harbour

Bridge in Sydney. Bridge win.

Looking up the river - the kinder, gentler Heart

of Darkness.

We got off the ferry at New Farm and wandered

through the park, taking time to stop and creep on

others peoples' dogs. We also may have gone into

a dog park without a dog of our own.

Definition of epic: not only did we find a sign

directing us to the Labyrinth, but we also just

so happened to have a copy of the Labyrinth

DVD on us. Oh, and Laura harnessed the power

of flight to soar 4 feet into the air. No big deal.

After a totally-on-purpose tour of some of

the suburban neighborhoods of Brisbane, we

ended up at the powerhouse, which had been

converted to a bar / lounge. We watched a fairly

awkward exchange between the emcee and a musician

performing a sort of storyteller session about some of

her music, and then quietly excused ourselves to head

back to the city.

The sun began to set on the city, and the view caused

us to hang out for just a little while longer.

We made our way to an Italian place for a lazy dinner. It was actually pretty cool - they cook the pasta in front of you, and then you get your choice of sauce (penne carbonara, naturally). Quite full and fairly sleepy, I walked dazedly back to the hotel, wanting to be well-rested for our big day at the zoo tomorrow.

Pat and Laura arrived promptly at 7:45 in the morning to pick me up for our drive up to the Australia Zoo. The trip was fairly uneventful - good tunes, groggy early-morning conversation, and some laughs. We made a compulsory stop at KFC as we neared the zoo, with the aim of smelling as much like greasy food as we could, making us irresistible to the animals. After devouring what probably amounted to an entire flock of chickens, we got on the road again and eventually arrived at the zoo.

Nicole and Jamie were waiting for us when we arrived, and we scurried off to our briefing for our first animal encounter: with a cheetah.

We were taken through a series of gates (think a really low-budget version of Jurassic Park), and eventually into a wooded glen, where, in the middle, sat a cheetah on a rock. Our guide had us circle around so the cheetah would be aware of us, and stand side by side so no one was hidden. As we approached, it stared us down intently, but there was no sign of feline lick-licking, which was disappointing, considering the effort we had all gone through to smell delicious. We received a quick briefing from the handlers, that the cheetah is a wild animal, that we may be asked to back up at some point, not to pull on its tail, blah blah blah. I shifted anxiously in place, a mere three strides away from a proper cuddle with a cheetah. I must have been a bit obvious with my intentions, as they asked if I would go first. Would I ever!

Cue cheesy American smile in 3...2...1...

Here's my thinking on cats: they're all the same. Sure, some are a little larger than others and have a propensity for eating your face, but when you get right down to it, they're all driven by the same primal instincts. I rested my hand on the cheetah and scratched between its shoulder blades, and it immediately started purring. Not your subtle, little kitty purr, but something more akin to having swallowed a small Volkswagen. It was a large cat, there was no getting around it, but it was surprisingly light at ~80 pounds.

Coming soon to a department store picture frame

near you.

They then signaled for Pat and Laura to come stand by the cat, but it was paying more attention to Laura than the keeper would have liked, and they asked her to back up with a sort of shrill calmness that would freeze the marrow in your bones. This was repeated several times until, despite even an ice lick with chicken in it, they called the experience. Apparently the cheetah paying attention to you is not a good thing.

We then got an opportunity to go watch playtime with the cheetahs. Remember how I mentioned all cats are the same? No different here, just on a bigger scale. Instead of a bit of feathers and a bell on a string for which you've just paid $20, you get a broom handle, some thick nylon rope, and a milk carton filled with pebbles. But they still run around like goofs, attempting to 'kill' the carton, eventually biting down on it and walking around proudly with it in their mouths. Another difference is when you're playing with you're cat at home and they run into your legs, you don't spend the next 15 seconds rising shakily again to your feet afterward.

While we were watching these cavorting felines, one of the keepers asked Laura and Pat if they wanted to go see something special, since the cheetah had taken too much of a liking to them earlier. They were very hush hush about what they were taking them to see until they got back.

They got to go play with lemurs! I've had plenty

of time with lemurs before, but that doesn't make

them any less awesome. And they are a lot of

awesome.

Once our first encounter (of four) was over, we headed off for lunch, making a couple of detours along the way.

Remember the ibis with the stick? Meet the

goat with the stick. We waited for a few minutes

while Nicole giggled her way through a few more

photos.

After a fairly gluttonous lunch, we wandered around a little more before our second encounter of the day.

We got to touch an echidna, who, in addition to

having a really awkward waddle to get around,

also feels like someone's heavily-gelled hair.

We also got some koala-petting in. Even though

it was a bit like koala roulette. There are about 10

of them, and you're only allowed to pet one (Stella),

because the others are resting. Only, they don't

tell you which one's Stella.

Well, technically they're not telling you

not to do it, just informing you that it may

result in...poison? Skeletons?

"We don't even care whether or not we care..."

We had a fairly aggressive animal cuddling schedule to keep, so we headed toward our next destination: red pandas.

One thing I will say about most of the animals - they don't really care that you're there until you suddenly have some fruit that they want. Then they're your best friend. I found this the hard way when all the fruit was gone and the red panda started to walk away.

"I thought we had something!" I shouted after it.

"You knew what this was," it said, not even bothering to cast a final glance over its shoulder.

At least the food provides them with a distraction,

allowing you to cuddle them to your heart's content.

Must...smile...bigger...

Family photo time!

There's another photo similar to this that I

chose not to upload where my eyes are open.

This one looks slightly less crazed.

Nicole discovers that red pandas have sharp claws

and that we have the towels on our laps for a

reason.

Once we were of no further use to the pandas, we took a quick jaunt around some of the rest of the zoo before our next cuddle session.

We did happen upon a keeper who was just leaving

at the end of the session, and cornered her. Her only

option was to let me hold the baby croc.

Nicole too. Hmm...not big enough for a

bag, maybe just the right size for a belt

or a wallet...

We also stumbled upon a crowd of people who seemed to be circled around a trio of keepers, all of whom were staring up at a tree. After one of the keepers shook half of a mouse in the direction of said tree, and as a result of a fair amount of nonspecific squinting, I finally saw what they were looking at: a hawk that just didn't feel like coming back. We stood there for a good 10 minutes watching them attempt to entice the bird down from it's roost. Then we realized we were watching adults attempt to call a bird out of a tree. For 10 minutes. We left.

The next animal encounter was a bit of a unique one, with an animal I hadn't even known existed up until a few years ago, the binturong. Also called the Asian bearcat, it's neither bear nor cat, but actually most closely related to the civet. I've always just thought they were really cool-looking.

But here's the thing: I had read ahead of time that binturongs have a musk that they use to mark their territory and recognize one another. And this musk is fairly special because by all accounts, it smells like buttered popcorn. Skeptical but intrigued, I had to check this out.

As with the panda, once they saw we had fruit,

they came running over.

And sure enough, as it got close enough, the

unmistakable smell of sweet, sweet buttery popcorn

wafted through the air. This is probably the coolest

critter ever.

In addition to smelling delicious and having

ridiculously-sharp teeth, they also have a long

prehensile tail that they can use to hang

upside down.

Smelling like a veritable menagerie, but also like popcorn, we left the binturongs (or rather, they left us), and I headed alone to my final encounter, which I really wanted to do, but that no one else was really keen on - dingos!

I'd had my first exposure to dingos years ago at Featherdale when I first arrived. Sure, they're supposed to be wild dogs, and yeah, maybe I wasn't exactly supposed to lean over the railing and reach through the fence to pet them, but as far as I'm concerned, they're just another dog (author's note: this will probably get me into trouble the day I come across a tiger and infer that it's just another cat).

Anyway, Pat and Laura accompanied me as far as they could, but they had to leave me for my dingo-frolicking fun at the gate. There were only 2 others with me to play with the dingos, a father and daughter. The three of us waited in the middle of a field while they walked two dingos out on leashes. These dingos were a bit more - let's just say - coddled than some others I had seen in the past. Instead of being lean and wiry, these were a bit more on the fluffy side.

The keepers walked them up to a point about 10 feet away from the group and had us sit down. They explained that dingos had a tendency to be fairly shy, and that they would slowly be walked up to us, allowed to sniff our hand, but not to take it personally if they were overcome by a bout of bashfulness and backed away. Naturally, I got to go first.

I sat on the ground, legs cross, open hand outstretched. The dingo trotted merrily, yet, in fairness, warily up to me, and in one continuous motion, sniffed my hand, moved closer, sniffed my face, and started licking me enthusiastically. Oh, right, I forgot to mention...animals freaking love me.

I may or may not have smeared bacon all over my

face beforehand. On a completely unrelated note,

does anyone have any tips for removing bacon

grease from clothing?

In hindsight, I really should have kicked up my

legs behind me to complete this shot.

Couldn't resist another opportunity for some

more lovin'.

Fun fact: one of us is super excited at the moment,

the other, notsomuch.

A rare moment of a dingo not featuring me.

On a cuddle high, I reunited with the rest of the group and we wandered toward the exit. Needless to say, we all have the attention spans of puppies and got distracted along the way.

I was a bit surprised they allowed this fella

out of its enclosure.

I engaged the beast while the others made their

escape. Thanks for taking a picture before fleeing,

guys.

It didn't end well...

...I got better.